vulnerability

A challenging chapter in my book, named vulnerability. One im not sure I
completely understand but something essential to grasp hold of as
a Christian and a woman. When I think of the word vulnerable, I think pretty
much opening myself 100 percent to any kind of situation, vulnerability to me
is like taking a risk whethere it be for love or a specific circumstance. I think
what Jesus defines as vulnerabilitty or has intended for it to mean is a little
different. Granted, it can mean something different to each person.

What I feel Jesus speaks to me is being able and willing to voluntarily
place myself in a situation, for the sake of a much larger purpose than I can
comprehend, that could bring pain. Paula rhinehart says it so well. You are
willing to risk your heart in a vulnerable way. Wow.

I don't know about you but when I hear the words risk my heart....and pain
in the same sentence, it kinda scares me. I've spent years risking my heart
and it ending in pain.

But I believe God means something far greater than pain. Vulnerability
comes hand in hand with strength. How do I be a strong woman with a soft heart?
what do I really deel about a specific situation? What do I think?
where do I really sense God in the situation at all?

We find our strength in Christ Jesus and without trusting him, we won't
be able to be vulnerable to the things he has called us to on a daily
basis. The kind of strength God wants to shape in me is so much different
than the kind of strength society displays for us. There is no human model
I know of that displays strength through Christ which I think shows us
even more our daily need of Jesus and laying our life down every morning
as if nothing had yet been done. We must look to God himself!

I've always been one of those women that feels like everyone else comes first
and ill take my number and wait in the back and whatever is left over, its mine.

God says no no no, you got this all wrong. He really teaching me to focus
on what really matters and the rest will fall into place. I find when I would
think like the woman who takes the number and stands in the back, we
completely miss out on what God is saying to us, I don't want to miss out
that's for sure. I want a soul I can walk around in and I know God
helping develop that.

There are so many angles to the vulnerability I believe God has called us to.
To walk in his light, to open our heart and soul to others so that we may have
REAL relationships in his body. To know we need Jesus and to one day look at our
hearts and know that we didn't stand still but our hearts matured and had depth
and meaning.

And after all that, we must still honor our hearts. This spoke to me so deeply;
"The strength of vulnerability is the fire of a tender heart that forges steel
in the soul. As difficult as it is to live with a vulnerable heart, it is far
easier than camping out behind a facade. Jesus is the lamb who conquers all.
He says, come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give
you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am GENTLE and
HUMBLE in heart; and you SHALL find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy
and my load is light."

My soul finds rest in you Jesus.

Beautiful beyond description, you are my HERO

I never know what im going to blog about and that's one of the things I love about
Jesus. He is so mysterious and not in the im hiding fromm you mysterious but the
come chase me, seek me with all your heart and I will live in you.

Its incredible if you really think about it. And I love that when I wake up every
morning, I don't know what God going to show me, teach me, speak to me but at the
end of the day when its just God and I, oh its wonderful. Literally like spending
time with my love. :)

Beauty is the essence of God. Beauty is something I struggled with and sometimes
still do. A lot of people say to me, are you serious? Your beautiful. But I didn't
see myself that way. I remember even over eating to try and make myself ugly.
Im such an emotional eater. I remember over a year ago when I recommitted my life to
Jesus, I desperately longed to see Jesus shining through me again, to know that in
Christ, I am beautiful. I am his bride, his love.

Now, I see that. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more he shows me how
beautiful I am, just how much he loves me. I believe when you seek God, you
Begin to see yourself in his image. When I experience this, I feel at rest.
my soul finds peace. I imagine Jesus telling me I look breathtaking :)

Beauty is the essence of God. Beauty is powerful. And my beauty in Jesus is
mysterious and captivating and something not to be taken lightly
and not something to just let any man into. Treasure your beauty because
God treasures your beauty and his beauty through you. Wow! I may be typing
but I believe Jesus is talking to me while I type this.

I was reading in proverbs and Jesus says, "my son, if sinners entice you, do not
consent....keep your feet from their path for their feet run to evil..."

Its right there from my hero himself. Just don't go there. Beauty can be enticing.
sex is enticing. The world is enticing. The beauty of God conquers all! I
love how Jesus has changed my life! Seek him with all your heart, pursue him.

trust

Im reading an incredible book and the chapter currently is TRUST. This use to
be a not fun subject for me to talk about, one I would avoid. But the new me
talks about it all now cause that's how I get to surrendering issues of mine
with my sweet Jesus :)

When I hear someone say just trust Jesus, I have to admit it makes me wonder
how well do they really know him. I feel like the phrase is used so much that
sometimes I find myself curious if they are genuine and have experienced
a good outcome from doing this in their own life or if its just the christian
thing to say.

God says, come sit on my lap, everything will be ok. It will be ok

I have learned that relying on God has to start all over again every morning
as if nothing has yet been done and this goes hand in hand with surrender too.

I was talking to a friend a couple days ago about him thinking he was gonna
Lose his job. He seemed so calm about it and I asked him if he was worried
or stressed. He said, "no, once you really realize God has a plan, what's
there to be worried about?" I said it can be stressful and he said back to me
what's the point, God has it figured out.

So true! Right?!?!

Yes its so much easier said than done but something I think really important
to grasp hold of. Paula rhinehart says, "Trust hangs somewhere between knowing
what your heart longs for and trying to dictate the shape, timing, or outcome
of your hearts desire." Wow! So true if you look back on why you were unable to
trust God in situations.

I use to have major trust issues due to all sorts of things but thankfully God
has healed that within me. Ill tell you, its incredible the peace and trust that
can come from sincerely surrendering to Jesus.

Sometimes getting to the point of trusting is a miracle in itself. When I finally
got the place of really trusting, I felt as if I had just ran a marathon!
Miracle :)

Paula also says, you can't order trust or it would be out of stock. So true!
everyone would be throwing caution out the window and ordering trust all the time.
praise Jesus its not like that.

I think when we realize that being able to trust God is completely grounded
and connected to staking our worth of who we are on the big truth that he loves
us...its life changing. It was for me. Everyday I have to come back to this
truth. Allowing ourself to be loved by God is where trust seeps down into our
soul, our bones and complete inner being soak it up so fast.

Now it makes sense to me! Its why when I was so hurt in past relationships,
it was so hard to trust again and if I couldn't trust Jesus then whom ever could
I trust?!?

The mystery of not knowing is exciting to me. Let God write my story. Its like
falling backward and just before you think your gonna crash on the ground
you are caught and held in his arms. We have to let him catch us though.

Friends, im so glad to be healed of this. Do I struggle? Yes but being with Jesus
everyday reminds me I have to start all over every morning as if nothing
has yet been done.

I love Jesus so much. I love our ongoing conversations through the day! I love
that he at work in my life and I know that with him, I wont be the same as I
was a week ago.

Ill leave with this: When things seem like they are going bad persay, it doesn't
mean God just stopped doing good. Remember he will finish the work he started.
I cling to that truth. God just is shifting things around to get them in
place for more good. God works all things together for the good of those who
love him!

I will blog, I will blog, I will blog.

This is for some reason a challenge for me to get on here and write somedays
but im really challenging myself to be more consistent with it.
this week was sooooo long. I started my new job on Monday which is going so
good. It's just a ton to learn but its good and I know God has blessed me with some
awesome opportunities and I've already met some believers and that's really
awesome.

Monday, I felt really really super convicted about something in my life and I
had to make a really hard decision. It was hard cause I knew it would hurt
someone I cared about. When god calls, you listen. I've tried it the other way
and trust me the outcome is not pretty. This conviction was so strong, it made
me sick to my stomach and I couldn't think straight all day. It's like one of those
things where you know its the right decision but a hard one to do. But I knew God
would be with me and I went for it.

So yes, it was difficult but God was faithful and gave me peace. I honestly pray
that the type of conviction I had with that specific situation would be the same conviction
that I have for all things. We pray that our heart would hurt for the things
that hurt jesus and honestly I think my physical pain of conviction is just a mere
image of how it truly hurts our savior.

Its amazing though that in that moment and throughout this week I knew the only way
to get through these things was to truly depend on Jesus.

At some point, we have to face what isn't working and turn to the one person
everyday who makes everything work. Im at all new heights at this chapter in my life
and its really really exciting. :)

Happy Birthday!

Today is my 24th birthday and it only seemed fitting that I reflect on the past year. A year ago today, I started a very new journey in my life. A very sweet friend of mine spoke great words of encouragement over my life and it inspired me to go forth and live the life that God had destined for me.

Below are the exact words she spoke to me and I often look over them every week to remind me that when life seems tough and impossible that I have a destiny and reason to love and have Joy and hope.

Happy Birthday to an amazing woman! Roxanne, I pray that God would richly bless you this next year and reveal Himself to you in a new way! May you grow in Him and never forget how much He loves you and wants nothing but the best for you. Don't grow weary in waiting for life's events, but let your strength be renewed in waiting for HIM!!! XOXO

I am celebrating my bday with this sweet friend of mine on Monday and look forward to seeing that new picture I know she will take :) hehe

God definitely revealed himself in a new way to me this past year. I learned the hard way that a life without Jesus is no life worth living. I have grown an incredible amount. There were some rough times this past year and there were some great times. But I got through them with Jesus by my side. I'm a different woman now. I'm confident, finding my value In Jesus alone and not searching for approval from other people or things. I have Joy even in negative situation. I know when the time is right, God will bless me with the right person. I start this new year off now with clear direction from God, a new great job, going back to school soon and loving just being with Jesus. I am genuinely blessed.

Some big things/Changes that I underwent this year were
* I quit the drinking/club scene
* Got out a career field I hated-Thank you Jesus.
* Spent time with my biological father for the first time in 10 years
* Stopped having sex

Reflection is so great. To look back and see the real depths of how far I have come.
To continue the journey, nothing more fitting that recommitting my life to Jesus on my birthday! Here's to another great year. Can't wait to see whats in store!

Milestone

Today was a really big milestone for me. I saw my biological dad today for the first time in over 10 years. I had so many nerves and emotions running through me thinking what it would be like.

It was just about perfect. I walked up and he repeated to me over and over how grown up and beautiful I am. How proud of me he was, for the woman I have grown into.

Makes me think, Don't you think Jesus is trying to tell me the same thing.

We chatted, laughed, and reminisced about the old good times. Talked about the future, my goals, and where I see myself. I shined and he smiled at me with the look of joy across his face! This was really huge for me. Not only to feel that love from my biological Dad but to realize Jesus looks at me the same.

Had a great night at church really tuning into Jesus and what he wanted to speak into my life tonight. I've really made my walk with Jesus as of recent a burden and into a HAVE TO.

This week my goal or desire is to make Jesus my priority because I WANT TO. To make it my joy.

BTW, God has seriously blessed me over what I could imagine. Im starting a really new great job next week. I know he taking care of me. And for the first time in possibly a really long time or maybe my whole life, I can say that I am so happy with just being Jesus and not having a man in my life other than him. It's a great way to start my birthday week. A year ago this thursday, a dear friend of mine made me a cake and spoke very encouraging words into my life and has been mentoring me. It's amazing to look back and see all the changes I have made. :)

Provision

This past week has been such a chaotic, busy time of recovering, dealing with insurance companies, car shopping, car buying and the list goes on.

I finally had time to just sit and reflect on this past week's events that took place. Yesterday morning, my insurance company emailed me pictures of my car that had been totalled. I have to say I was overwhelmed with emotion looking at them and flashing back to the accident and almost reliving everything that happened. It's amazing to me to look at these pics and see that I am alive and besides some back work that can be fixed, I am so lucky.

I fully realized to a new depth just how much Jesus loves me. His provision over my life this past month has been incredible just from providng me with a new job to saving my life and it continues on with the whole process from the accident to getting a great deal on my car to be paid off and another great deal on a new car. Im just in awe and it makes me that much more want to just honor him with my life for what he has done for me. It's so great going to bed with such peace, knowing God is taking care of me.

Well It's been a couple full months for me! God is so faithful in so many ways and I continue to see that on a daily basis. Some of you know I have been searching and looking and praying and begging Jesus for a new Job. I applied for a job again that I had already interviewed for 6 months ago and I was weary to do it again but a friend of mine works there and she referred me and it worked out great....I got the job! YAY!! I have wanted this for so long and God heard my prayers and pleading. I think its easy to think when we want something so bad and we don't get it, it's easy to feel like Where are you God! But he definitely showed up and surprised the socks off of me. It was interesting too cause I started working PT for a Spa. I gave my two weeks at the cafe and I am so excited. My boss however wasn't but that's fine. Cut my losses and walk away. :) So I've been working the cafe and the Spa and it's been crazy but I am saving money and it feels good. School will start for me again in the Winter and I am super excited.

Last night, I was in a pretty bad car accident. It was my fault and its really embarassing for me to even admit that. My car is completely totalled. My whole front end was smashed in. I am seriously lucky to have walked away with minimal injuries. I completely thank God for that. If you look at my car and then look at me I am blessed. I have been showered with love from friends and family and I am so thankful for that. Its been a crazy day full of being on the phone all day with my insurance company but the details are slowly start to move together and Im looking for a new car. It's kinda funny to me. Last year at this time if this were to happen, I would most likely freak out and panic. But I was a different person then. I have been really calm and miraculously have such a peace that God going to take care of me and work it all out.

I am really excited for the doors God is opening for me. I love him and want to honor him for what he has done for me.

:)

Praise Jesus!

Happy Sunday

Well, I am sure glad that no matter what happens in life, I am constantly assured that my Joy is in the Lord and nothing else. It has been some interesting few weeks around here.

Due to some events that shall nameless and a bunch of drama, God closed a door for me that I am so thankful for. I'm moving. I have definitely been overwhelmed by all the details and situations with my current roommates but I am glad to say things are finally coming to end with them and I should be moving the first week in September into own place! YES! So worth the money!

School starting next month and I have been busy with those details as well. I am convinced the older I get, the busier I get.

A lot has been happening in my family but I am really trusting that God is going to take care of us.

I have definitely been not exactly struggling persay with some insecurities but facing them head on I guess you could say. Really finding out who my friends are and really trying to surrender all of insecurities and everything I am to God. This month marks a year exactly of when I recommitted my life to Jesus. It's a month of celebration and it's awesome looking back. I definitely don't have any desire or temptation to go back to that lifestyle and I thank Jesus for that.

I am looking to God for the next step and direction and know he wont lead me astray. Man I am glad that my joy is dependent on Jesus and not my circumstances. This outlook has really changed my life

Happy Friday!

It's a very good day! My parents left town for a couple weeks so I'm staying at their house watching over things which is a huge blessing for me to get away from my current living situation and kinda just relax.

I am really looking forward to next week. I am a volunteer for Young Champions and I know it's gonna be a great week of impacting young children's lives.

I've been applying for so many jobs because I don't want to wait tables anymore and today I still felt real Joy at my current job because I felt God saying, I'm still going to use you. That felt really good. Some of you know I'm on a new positive outlook on life and I'm trying to implement this in every area of my life. Work is the hardest area so I felt major progress today :)

I just feel very at peace knowing that I'm in the palm of God's hands.

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

JOY JOY JOY

I attended book club tonight with the Ladies and It was so very inspiring, uplifting and encouraging!

I really felt encouraged in so many areas and it was a great night indeed. Tonight, we talked about PAIN. Such a sore subject in my life but I feel so blessed I can have community with these ladies and we can all openly share our joys, and sorrows with each other.

For years I have dealt with so much pain, whether it be in relationships, family situations, losing a loved one, just life happening, etc. One thing my mentor has talked to me about is JOY. I look back and realize that wow, I can really be a negative person. Joy is not situational and trust me I have to constantly remind myself of that. It's on my bedroom wall! No joke! She really inspires me because she is very optimistic, always looking for the positive in things. I need to strive for that. No matter the situation, I need to look for joy, for the positive, for the good side, for the fact that God has me here and wants to teach me something BIG and I need to be open to that. I certainly don't want to look back and say wow, look at all the time I wasted being negative.

I'm really learning to let go. Just let it all go, everything from my past. I was really encouraged by my friend Crystal who was talking about her co workers and how they don't have anyone they can give their crud too and I do so Why not just let it go! Go, be gone!

Tonight we talked about living in the moment, for the now. I don't want to look back again and feel like where did that time in my life go because I was so concerned with things I don't even need to worry about because I know God has it figured out. I'm not gonna be that girl that says well if this happens, then Ill be happy. If I could only finish school, then I'll be happy. If I can only get married and have a family, then I'll feel complete and I could go on and on. I'm gonna be that girl that Is happy with the now and what God has given me. Be that girl that seeks the Lords face everyday and lives day to day, not planning whats next but focusing on what God has for me NOW

A thing I have struggled with is "being on the right track". I have been consumed with this as of recent. Wanting to feel like I am making progress, moving forward. When I feel God says,"come as your are and your desire to be on the right track is good enough.Let me be your everything and that's all it takes."

So lets kinda recap! :)

I'm gonna be full of Joy! I want to be the type of person where People say, wow she is always happy and optimistic!! Looking for joy in every situation!

I'm gonna let all the past crud go because I want to go deeper with Jesus and I don't need to hold onto that stuff. My future and present is in Jesus.

I'm gonna live in the now and stop planning what I have no control over!

I'm gonna make Jesus my everything and seek his face and just BE with him!

This stuff is going to change my life.

JOY JOY JOY!!! What joy for those who's hope is in the Lord. About time I live that out!

Brokeness

Wow. Last night was really intense. We had a bonfire/worship night a girls house in the young adults group. I had a hard couple weeks and to be brutally honest didn't really feel like going last night but knew that was a sign I needed to go. I showed u and made conversation with people and it started out good. Although I have to admit, I was one conversation away from crying.

There I was sitting in this circle, listening to the worship music be played and listening to the voices singing along, sitting next to one of my best friends. I sang a long and stared at the page of words. Amazing Grace was being sung and I just started to cry. I asked my friend to please pray with me and I cried even more. I felt like God opened up his floodgates upon me.

A prayer I have recently been praying a lot was that God would give me distaste for the things he hates and that he would please break me. I felt discouraged lately because I didn't feel like he was breaking me but last night, oh I felt brokeness.

I looked across the circle to my youth pastor's wife and my mentor. I signaled for them to come talk with me. My youth pastors wife came first and she took me into a room. I was uncontrollably sobbing and sobbing. I asked her to please just pray for me. I felt so broken and couldn't control my emotions. It was apparent God was ministering to me. She held me so tight and prayed for me and through that I felt so blessed, I felt like through her God was wrapping his arms around me. I was speechless during prayer, I could barely talk. I could feel God inside my bones. All I could do is cry out to Jesus, I want more of you, more of you Jesus.

She told me how some people are just craving to be broken like that and consider it a blessing, this is a good thing. Afterall, this is what I had been praying for. My Mentor came in next. I sobbed to her too. I'm telling you, the presence of God was so heavy on me. I told her my feelings of feeling like I'm not moving forward and wanting to feel good enough. She shared with me how She feels I'm being attacked my depression and she was right on. Depression is what I felt for the past 2 weeks. She teaches me so much, she is such a blessing. As she prayed with me and held me tight too, she teared up a little and I don't know why but it's so amazing to me when God speaks through your mentor to you, when she can cry with you.

So today, I am basking in my brokeness. Grateful that I can just cry in the presence of God. I want more and more of him everyday. I know God is wanting to heal me and I have to allow him to do that. My youth pastor said something last night along the lines of make Jesus your everything and all the rest will fall into place. The little things we stress about will work out, but make Jesus your everything.

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

Old Appetites

Today was called Old Appetites. About choosing God or choosing the World. I went through this a little over a year ago. I went through a series of serious events that led me to my knees, no joke.

God posed a very serious question to me and I had to really decide who I would live for. The world or Jesus. Thankfully by God's amazing grace, I chose Jesus.

Beth Moore had a lot of good points to make today that I would like to reflect on.

1. Often, our character is at greater risk in prosperity than in adversity. Wow, right? So true. Not all of God's tests are hardships.. Meaning I think God often will test us through abundance and prosperity. It's so easy to buy into Satan's lie that we had something to do with our Provisions! So wrong, it was no one but God who provides for us everyday. When we have plenty we tend to sometimes forget the source of that bounty. Im going through a time where I love to constantly remember what God has done for me. I think it's so important to remember the fruits in our life.

2. Then the Lord said to Moses, “Look, I’m going to rain down food from heaven for you. Each day the people can go out and pick up as much food as they need for that day. I will test them in this to see whether or not they will follow my instructions.
Exodus 16:4

I definitely feel like I'm in a much growing season of my life with the Lord where everyday he like ok, I'm gonna test you and see if your gonna follow my instructions. Wow.

So I have a past like many people and it's not a good one. There such the basic thing you learn growing up in the church to just give it over to God. Im going through this right now, In order for me to go any deeper right now, I have to give my past to him, to let go of the hurt, pain, bad choices, etc. Why do we want to hold onto bad stuff anyway? It's not good stuff. Maybe because it's a part of me. But God wants to change me and I know I need to just let it go so I can allow him to cleanse me.

I feel like some of the things im learning right now are so childish but yet so very important. Last week really got the best of me and it's a prime example why I need to guard myself in Jesus everyday. Because without him, I'm lost.

TUESDAY

Today could Have practically been gift wrapped from Satan himself--Not being dramatic..Really! It was that bad. Reminding myself though my weakness is made perfect in his STRENGTH.

Today was one of the those ongoing conversations with God, I'm talking probably every 3 minutes. He laid so much on my heart that I am going to share with you. I've said a lot in the recent months that God is at war with Satan every day for our lives, our souls, our salvation. I saw this today. Today, I lost someone to suicide. It Breaks my heart to know that people are really hurting so much that they end their life. I was in my car on the way home from work having another conversation with the Lord. I was just weeping, feeling like God has given me a bad taste for the things of this world. I felt so strongly him saying, "Everyday I'm fighting for you. The Holy Spirit is interceding for you. My children are so concerned and worried about materialistic things in their lives while others are broken, hurting, and fighting for life.

I'm reminded of when I went on our youth group choirs tours to minister and sing to people all around. We used to do service projects with a organization called Teen Challenge. Teen Challenge is an organization that reaches out to Youth, Children and adults, providing them with faith based solution to drug, alcohol, and other addictions. I go back to when we would sing at these places. It's so amazing to see these Men that have so much praise and adoration for the Lord, yet in the world's view, they have nothing. In Jesus, they have everything. God, make me like that. Make my heart like that. Make me in such awe of you.

Another big thing the Lord and I talked about was TRUST! Oh I struggle with this one a lot mainly due to past relationships. If I didn't trust my friends, what kind of friendship would we have? If I didn't trust my mentor, what kind of accountability would I truly have? If I didn't trust my husband, what kind of marriage would we have? Trust is such a vital foundation for any kind of relationship. When someone has ever displayed the slightest bit of doubt in me, I know it's been upsetting. I think the same is for Jesus.

I could imagine him saying something like...
"So I died on the cross to save your life, I sacrificed myself for you and you don't think I can ______________. (Insert issue here) Provide for your finances, you don't think I have amazing plans for your life, you don't think I have an amazing person for you, a great job, and the list goes on and on."

But realizing yes that God wants to stretch us and teach us a lesson in the process. And more than likely, I guarantee it wont happen in our timing.

If I don't trust that the one who died on the cross has it figured out, then what kind of relationship will we have with the Lord? And how will that pour into our earthly relationships? How will our walk ever deepen? How will we grow and ride past the so typical talked about Lukewarm Christian-go through the motions life?

This is such basic but such huge stuff I believe God wants us to grasp now to lay the foundation to have an amazing relationship with God. The amazing relationship that God intended for us to have with him and he so desires to have that with us more than I can even explain to you. Our relationship with God should be pouring out into our earthly relationships with our friends, family.

Everyday I find myself re-surrendering to Jesus. I need him more and more than I did the day before. I know he has called me to be set apart and I so desire to be used by god, to have a strong, growing relationship with him, to have Jesus shine through me, to show Jesus' love to others, to speak into Broken lives, to bring Glory to the one true God who is healing me from the inside out. Learning to let Jesus be my everything everyday is not easy. Serving the Lord is hard. Very Hard. Yet there is strength in the struggle and I find myself in a season of refinement, a season where I want more and more of Jesus everyday. I know that our present suffering's don't even compare to the Glory that will be revealed in and through us.

I am proud to admit that at the end of my day, through everything Satan tried to throw at me, at the end of the day I was still standing with Jesus' arms wrapped around me.

From the bitter Marah waters to pure Sweetness...

I cannot tell you enough how much this study speaks to the inner parts of my soul. Not just my heart, but my soul as well.

Today was about the Bittersweetness of Marah. In today's reading, the Israelites had just finally crossed the red sea on Dry ground. After they suffered through the wilderness, they finally found water. Have you ever been so thirsty that when you finally are able to drink something, your mouth gets even drier just imagining the liquid touching your lips and passing down your throat. I believe this is similar to how thirsty the Israelites were. The water they found was sparkling and cold but UNDRINKABLE! Ugh, I cannot even imagine. The water was bitter and called Marah. Moses cried out to the Lord, for they had gone 3 days without any water and couldn't drink the Water known as Marah. The Lord showed him a piece of wood and Moses threw it in the water and the water became sweet and drinkable.

I am reminded of how many times I was faced with bitter water but God reached down and made it sweet. Jehova-Rapha: The God who heals. How has he healed your bitter waters and made them sweet? I am glad I serve a GOd who is my healer. I can walk by faith knowing he is healing my soul. Making it pure again. Only Christ can heal me, no one else. I have learned through many hardships that other's can lead us to Jesus, but it is me who has to show up to the appointment. His main goal is not to just heal me but for me to meet his healing power. WOW! Meet with the healer everyday. I have spent much time in the past searching for other things and people to heal me but Jesus is the only one who can heal me.

I love Jesus so much. He is changing my life. Making me pure again, leading me towards him and everyday is better and better. Everyday I feel stronger and stronger. But it's a struggle. I believe the more you seek out Jesus, the more satan attacks you and tries to bring you down. That's why it's been so important for me to armor myself up in the Lord everyday, to PRAY PRAY PRAY, and to set boundaries, also having a mentor! :)

My heart feels so heavy right now about so much. I want to THIRST so much for Jesus. So much that I would come to his fountain to DRINK. That every thing I do would glorify Jesus, that I would Shine as his servant. SO much that God would be in the center of all my decisions. That my friends and the people around me would notice change in my life. Is this a lot to want? Maybe but I believe that I serve a God so great that he will do this for me.

I know that God is calling me to be set apart. Set apart from my friends and this world. He doing something inside of me, I can feel it. I spent too much time being of this world. Now I am not of this world.

God,
My heart and soul cry out for you.
Make me new, heal me. Make me like you. Take away everything that's of me and replace it with you. Set me Apart Jesus! Open doors where I should walk through. Close doors that aren't your will. Make me thirsty for you. Make my life a testimony of your greatness. Thank you your mercies are new everyday and your grace is more than sufficient for me. USE me Lord! Thank you for the huge sacrifice you made so that I could live. Be my best friend. I love you. Amen


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Today was a pretty good day. I am struggling a little with my job. I love my hours and I work in a much better place but I am struggling to have personality and heart in my job because I have been in the industry for so long. I am continually praying for energy and Jesus to shine through me. I really desire to conduct myself in a way that is holy and pleasing to Jesus.

My mentor and friend and her family came to visit me today at work and it made my day! :) She surprised her husband. I was blessed to watch their little girl while they go on a date tonight and it was so much fun. She such a sweet little angel. We went on a nice walk in this beautiful weather, played with toys, chatted with mimi and papa, ate dinner together, and then I gave her a bath. After I put her down for a bed, I snuck in and out so many times just to watch her sleep so peacefully. I'm excited for the day I can do this with my own children :)

My mentor is such an encouragement to me. Those who don't have one should really get one in their life. She keeps me so accountable, encourages me daily. She such an example of a woman of God, a wife, a friend, and a mother. I strive to be that kind of role model some day for those around me.

I am thinking I will start a prayer journal (inspired from her of course). I think it's so amazing to be able to look back and be reminded of what we have witnessed the Lord do. And it keeps me accountable in my prayer life.

I better go check on the little one!

Blessings to you all and thank you for reading!

This is not going to be easy....

What do I want? This is a question that filled my mind for the past three years as I floated through life. It was a question that was brought up again at a book club I attended the other night. We are going through a book called Strong Women, Soft Hearts. The chapter we discussed was all about desires and what do we want really?

It's so easy for me to respond with certain what would be deemed as BIG events in my life such as graduating college, finding a good job, Getting married, having children. But I believe that God has called us to really look inside ourselves and get away from those kind of answers.

What I really do want is to be used by God in miraculous ways, whether they be big or small. I want to be that woman of God that's willing to follow Jesus wherever he may lead me, to be used wherever he wants to use me. I've spent too much time being selfish and saying ok, LORD-Send someone else. God called people in the bible to follow him and they did. They left everything they had. Why should we be worried to leave all our materialistic belongings? These are all desires I have. I'm not perfect but I am working towards these.

In the past year I have made a lot of decisions in my life, transitions, changes. I wish I could say it's been easy but it hasn't but I believe if it were easy then I would be one stagnant shallow person so I am grateful in my heart that it hasn't been easy. God has reminded me as of recent that It's not getting any easier. He making sure that my heart is genuine about how I want to live my life. I've had a week full of being attacked by the devil no doubt. Some days I have let it get the best of me but I am still growing and looking to Jesus because I know that I know that I know if the worst was to happen, I'd still have Jesus and He promises to take care of me.

In my bible study today, it stated a verse-
Exodus 14:14-- "The LORD will fight for you; you need to only be still."
I love how God correlates what we are going through in life with our current study. The verse above is something I share with a lot of people when I talk about my past because God did fight for me, so why not fight to be with him as well.

Back to our book club discussion: We discussed misplaced passions. Oh do I have a few of those. You bet! One of mine was facebook. I get on there and end up being on there for hours when I could be investing in much better things so I have made a goal to myself to not go on there for a week starting tomorrow. It's just a waste of hours of my time in the end. Another is I need to be more consistent in working out, taking care of myself. I love serving people and taking care of them, that I make myself like a last priority. SO I am working on that this next week too. One final 3rd misplaced passion was a tough one for me. One I really felt through prayer that God really brought to my attention. I guess you could call it friends. I am surrounded by a great community of friends, don't get me wrong. I spend a lot of time with girls from church and I believe that's a great thing. However, I really felt the Lord speaking to me that I was spending more time hanging out with Christian friends than I was with him. It was like I was feeling good about hanging out with all of them so much that I kinda put my time with the Lord on the backburner and that's definitely an issue. Yes, Christian fellowship is from the Lord and he loves it but God the only one that's gonna heal me, use me for his glory, help me to grow, etc. Im making a recovery plan as we speak and excited to go back to book club next time and share with the girls the progress I have made.

Sometimes God kinda quiets us and says just be still and spend time with me and that was what today was for me. I believe he does this for a reason and it always has a positive outcome.

I really want to be used in great ways by the Lord. We are here to glorify him and him alone. I really strive for living a life that honors the Lord. For the first time in a few years, I actually mean that. I know there are great things ahead but I know it will take work like anything in life. It will not be easy but I know that he will finish in me what he has started.

Paul addresses the Church

Last night I attended a small group that covered this passage

1 Corinthians 5

1It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife. 2And you are proud! Shouldn't you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? 3Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this, just as if I were present. 4When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, 5hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature[a] may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.

6Your boasting is not good. Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? 7Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. 8Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth.

9I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."[b]

What a letter Paul wrote to the church. We disected this passage verse by verse last night. This passage really spoke to my heart and I can very much relate to it. It was a blessing for me to be able to share with the group last night some of my past.

The first thing that really struck me was the church's blatant disregard for their sexually immoral behavior. I think one of the worst sin's is knowing what's right and wrong in the eyes of the Lord and still doing what's wrong. I lived that life. But I believe I have a repentent heart and the church didn't find anything they were doing to be wrong. So many people within the walls of our churches today don't believe they are in the wrong.

Such a powerful verse in verse 5, 5hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature[a] may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord. The desire was to save the soul of the people acting like that but get rid of the sinful nature.

When your making home made bread, it's important to understand that if you have no yeast, it will turn out to be like a cracker. But if you have yeast, it turns out to be loaves of plenty. Just in the same,a little bad yeast can affect the whole loaf of bread--So can one sin here and one sin there turn out to be huge. When I was living for the world, I had a little sin there and here and before I knew it, I was drowning in sin, asking myself- Roxanne, What have you done?

When I came back to the church and recommitted my life to the Lord, it was partly due to the fact that God was fighting for my life. He sent people back into my life that spoke words of encouragement into my life. If it wasn't for Brothers and sister's in Christ coming to me and asking-Where have you been? What's going on in your life? Why are you conducting yourself in this way? I don't know if I would be sitting here, saturating myself in the word, writing this blog. I think we live in such a day and age where there are many people like I myself was in the church, living a life that was not pleasing to the Lord. I feel like we should be encouraged by reading this passage to say something to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ if we see them slipping into a life of sin like I was. It's so important to be unified.

There so much that you could take from this passage and the one big thing for me is Surrender. It always comes back to surrender. It's so important to spend time with the Lord everyday. To fully surrender our lives to him everyday so that we are striving to live that holy, consecrated life that is in line with God's plan for us.

Bursting Heart...

OK, My heart is kinda bursting with stuff I want to share. In my study today, We went through Exodus and God's instructions to Moses. I can't tell you how many times I've read through out the years but it spoke something way different to me today. That's what I love about the seasons in our life, we go through. It can speak something totally different to your heart.

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..
2 Timothy 3:16

First though, we ready Romans 4:20-22-
20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. 22 This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness."

Last night someone shared a testimony with me that just had recently happened in their life. When he was sharing, he said how when he was praying God for healing, He really truly believe that God would heal him and the Lord did. Just is the same in the verse above in Romans. Abraham knew and trusted that God had and has the power to do what he promises. We shouldn't just be praying but believing in our hearts when we pray that God will Provide in whatever situation we are in. Pray with an expecting heart!

Talking about the Lord fulfilling his promises to us. There have been so many time when I have promised someone or God something but have failed big time on following through with those promises. I find myself wanting to promise so much to people but I can only guarantee very little to them. But I take heart in the fact that God, my father is the only one who can completely fulfill his promises and he will in fact do that. How awesome is it to know that Our God will fulfill everything he has promised. One promise I will share with you that the Lord has promised me is; that he would never leave me, he will finish what he started in me. You might think that sounds so normal or the Christian thing to say. But no, I have been through some terrible situations in the past few years because of decisions I made or roads I decided to take a detour on but still God is so faithful and still whispers to my heart, I wont leave you. I have a plan that I will finish within you. We have to believe in Gods faithfulness. Not just say we do but realllllllyyy believe.

Now we skip ahead to when God appeared to Moses in a burning bush.

There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. Exodus 3:2

I just think how awesome it would be to be Moses in that setting and have the Lord appear to me in a burning bush. Wow. Moses was even instructed to take off his shoes because he was in the midst of Holy ground. God is that Holy, that majestic, that powerful. My prayer of lately is that the presence of God will fill my room so that I wouldn't be able to stand.

God instructs Moses to tell the Israelites that He is I AM. This stuff is so good! "Whatever our circumstances, challenges, doubts, pain, heartache--if we are in a covenant relationship with God through his Son, Jesus Christ, the King of the universe is our I AM and he is PRESENTLY I AM in every area of our life." WHOA! He is I AM. We don't have to stress cause he is the ever present I AM. PRAISE THE LORD! I'm telling you, this is huge and everyday my trust in the Lord meter is rising higher and higher!

I promise I'm almost done. Sorry this is so long. In Exodus 24, God gives instructions about his presence to different groups of people. He instructs the general public if you will to stay where they are, to not approach the Lord. He tells Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, and the 70 other elders to worship at a distance. He tells Moses to come up to him and approach the Lord alone. Again, I wish I was Moses in this setting where me and only me could approach the Lord alone, whoa! I imagine you couldn't even stand up in the presence of the Lord. What an image!

Nonetheless, God created us to enjoy his fellowship. However because of the disobedience in Genesis in the garden, the general masses would not experience the amazing glory of God's presence. Only few could go to that holy mountain and approach his most high. Just like the worship song,

"I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross."

I believe we will never truly comprehend the cost of sin until we finally are sitting at his throne and experience that un describable joy of being in his presence.

WOW! God doesn't need us but he wants us. I say this a lot because It portrays to me just how much the Lord wants to be in fellowship with us, he has called us to fellowship with him. It has been only a little over a week where I have fully been consistent and fellowshipping with him everyday and my life is enriched because of it. I'm disappointed it took me so long to see all this but grateful that I am growing in the Lord everyday!

The Potter's Hand...

This post is in relation to Wednesday..Just posting a little late!

I had a very filled day with my friend Harmony. We went to the gym, bank, bookstore, church, and then after wards spent some great time with the Lord in prayer and Worship.

For many months, I have wondered about what my direction in this current chapter in my life is? Do I move out of state? Where do I go?

I feel for the past few weeks the Lord has really been tugging at my heart and saying, "What if I have something amazing for you here. What If I have you where I want you geographically?"

In my youth pastor praying with me tonight, she said it so good. I think you have your answer Roxanne. God has been doing some amazing things in my life as of recent and this is just one of them. I feel that the more I pursue the Lord, the more he re awakens past passions and desires that I have had for Ministry. I know I am a woman who has been called to very great things within the Lord. I love being involved in ministry and seeing lives changed. I love seeing a room full of people worship the lord. It Brings great joy to my heart. I was able to be part of pre-service prayer tonight and just being there seeing young people after the Lord was incredible. I have an awesome story and I cannot wait to see the Lord use that for his glory.

Tonight after service, Harm and I came home and just prayed and worshipped the Lord. I feel so blessed to have sisters in Christ that I can do that with. It brings great joy to my heart.

My study today was about God and Abraham. How God told Abraham to leave his country and go where the Lord would show him and he would bless Abraham. The Lord would take care of him. I pray that I could have that same faith and trust in the Lord. To know wherever I am at in life, that God is going to take care of me. He is going to finish what he started. How awesome is it to know that we serve a God that will always take care of us. Rest in that today my friends. Be still and know that he is God and he leads us through valleys to stand on the mountain to shout his praise. Surrender is key in our walk with God. Surrender surrender surrender!

A people for his name...

Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.

10 I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

11 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Isaiah 46:9-11

It stood out to me today that no matter what, God will perform his will. We can either be part of this amazing process in our lives or we can part of the problem. For the past few years in my life, I was part of the problem. I am glad to be part of the process now. I think it's important to realize that God may change the process or the person like in my case but he will never change his plan. But what a blessing it is when you adapt to agree with God and participate in his plan.

Beth Moore has said, if your Christian, your called! So true. I often find that when God calls us to something, we often are having to leave our comfort zones and be in the midst of the unfamiliar which is scary. I am experiencing this right now in my life. But I have to trust that he DOES have the plan and he will not leave me or let me down. We are here to glorify the Lord. That is our purpose and how great a purpose that is, no matter what he is calling us to. I pray that my heart would be softened and that I would always hear what he is calling me to But What a great plan to be part of.

Broken Hearts, Broken Ties

I started a new bible study. "A woman's heart, God's Dwelling Place." By Beth Moore. My prayer when I started this new study was that God would open my mind, heart, and eyes to what he wants to teach me through this new study and that my walk with him would strengthen and deepen.

Today's study, titled, Broken Hearts, Broken Ties. Just reading the title I knew right away as I prayed and dug into the word that the Lord was going to definitely speak to me on this one. I feel like this title could almost correlate to a whole chapter in my life of a Broken heart and broken ties. In the introduction to this study, we read in Genesis where God asks Adam and Eve, "Where are you?" I pondered this question. Where am I? But no matter the answer to that question to know that God is pursuing me, he wants to be with me. That's Exciting no matter how many times he reminds me that he is seeking me out.

Today was centered around Exodus 25:1-2,8-9.

The LORD said to Moses, 2 "Tell the Israelites to bring me an offering. You are to receive the offering for me from each man whose heart prompts him to give.

8 "Then have them make a sanctuary for me, and I will dwell among them. 9 Make this tabernacle and all its furnishings exactly like the pattern I will show you.

God's desire is to dwell among us mortals. What an awesome thought. In this passage he instructs Moses to build this tabernacle so that such a holy and awesome God could dwell among the Israelites and meet with them. I don't know about you but wow! I wish I could have been there. I love knowing that God wants to dwell with me, hang out, spend time with me. God has a glorious, incomprehensible desire to meet with us! This tabernacle they were to build was a symbol of a ministry of reconciliation and let's be honest, we live in a world where we are in a huge need of reconciliation. Oh how I know I've been in need of that myself. How awesome that God knew this and was making this happen.

I continued to think where was my tabernacle where I can dwell with the Lord and spend time with him. For me it's church and my bedroom. My bedroom is a very personal space that no one but me goes into. It's a space that I have created to be relaxing, rejuvenating. It's where I spend time with the Lord, where I spend on my knees, a room filled with Joy and tears and some of my deepest moments are spent here. This is where I invite the Lord to come in and dwell with me as I study the word and worship his holy name. I'm so thankful that we have this option to be able to do this in our country.

Beth Moore says, "I believe God appoints our journeys through his Word to correspond with our current life seasons." I couldn't agree more with this statement. A very wise Godly woman had suggested this study for me and it was a great choice.

Just Like Adam and Eve, We sin. We have thorns and this is something I have dealt a lot with the past year. In 2 Corinthians 12:7-9, Paul talks about his thorns. Sometimes our thorns remain so that we can start to comprehend the sufficiency of God's incredible grace. God just wants to cover us with his garmet of Grace though and I think it's so important that we accept that grace. Oh how sufficient God's grace is and it has got me through some incredibly hard seasons in my life

One of my favorite Worship leaders, Jason Upton has a song called Faith. Here are some of the lyrics and I listen to this song almost every day and it speaks to me every time.

I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say NO to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances
I say NO to just letting it stay that way
Because I?m learning to trust that it?s not You that hurt me
I'm learning to believe that it?s not You that deserted me
I'm believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all
I'm believing that You?ve got a plan for me
I'm believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let, let faith arise again, I believe
I believe like a little child again

A wavering heart...

On Sunday after church, My mom and I went out to Brunch to Celebrate Mother's day. I was disappointed my dad had to work and couldn't join us and neither could any of my siblings. However, I feel the Lord orchestrated it like that for a reason. My mom and I had a great time just talking for a few hours. I was talking to her about my life and my walk with the Lord.

I began to talk about how I didn't understand my heart most of the time. In high school, I was such a devout follower of the Lord. I never missed youth group, I was very involved as a leader, going on every trip I could, pouring into the Lives of young people, Assisting my youth pastors as much as I could, planning events, leading prayer group, and etc. I told her how I didn't understand why from after high school up until about 8 months ago, I wavered so much with my walk with the Lord. I feel like I wasted some serious time but also some Big things happened in my life which do strengthen us and make us who we are today.

She began to be motherly and tell me how proud she is of me considering everything I have been through. She got this big smile on her face and told the story of how every morning she got up she would see me on my knees, praying and spending time with the Lord and how happy that made her. She said, Roxanne- You have to get back into a disciplined life of spending time with JESUS first thing everyday because that's the most important thing. I knew right away-SHE IS SO RIGHT. I haven't been as disciplined as I should be. My desire is to be known as a great Woman of God. Just like anything in life, we don't achieve this over night. It takes time and discipline.

I'm really going through a huge season of surrender in my life right now. In every aspect you can imagine. There are so many things that I really need to surrender to the Lord and it's time to give it up to him for good and let him have it. I recently encountered a disappointing situation in my life last week and it hurt my heart very much and in praying and asking why, The Lord whispering just surrender to me.

I was praying today that the Lord would really show me what it means to be dedicated to him and it was amazing because I was reminded of this passage I read in CRAZY LOVE.

I hear a lot of people say that they think Joy is dependent on the flowing of circumstances in our life however I have learned that Joy is a choice just like Dedication. We have to choose to be dedicated, joyful, happy, etc. The bible has taught us that joy is formed in the most difficult seasons of our life which I find to be so incredible true.

CRAZY LOVE says this:
A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his or her character than comfort.(For so long when I wasn't a devout follower of the Lord, I was so consumed by what made me comfortable in groups of people rather than my character, sad I know). Obsessed people know that true joy doesn't depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God. James 1:2-4

A person who is obsessed with Jesus knows that the best thing he can do is be faithful to his savior in every aspect of his life, continually saying, "Thank you" to God. An obsessed person knows there can never be intimacy if he is always trying to pay God back or work hard enough to be worthy. He revels in his role as child and friend of God.

WOW! Some might think being obsessed with Jesus is crazy but it's not. Jesus is obsessed with me and fighting for me so I should do the same for him.

Dedication is not easy by any means but this is my prayer and what I'm focusing on this week. Being dedicated to the Lord, being faithful and trusting in him, spending time with him, loving him, reflecting him in my life because I truly don't want to live any other kind of life.

Faith is moving without knowing

Dear lover of my soul,
Would you open up my heart so I can see, hear, and know, and love you more. I want to be your servant and give you all of me. Will you please show me what it is to be dedicated to you oh Jesus. Give me strength and guide me because I cannot do this without you. Open doors where you would have me walk through and shut doors you don't want me to go through. Heal my heart and make me like you oh Lord. I love you and Praise you Jesus for what you have done in my life and what your going to do. Use me Jesus.
Amen

What Do I know of Holy?

A song that always speaks to my heart every time I hear it. This was my heart today.


I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?


What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers day to everyone! Today has been such a fantastic day! My mom and I attended church this morning and then I took her out to brunch. It was nice to just sit in the sunshine and enjoy her company. I love my mom. She is always there for me through every season of my life and always has great wisdom to give me.

Ive been going through a very interesting season the past few months and have learned a lot. I think it's great to recognize what distracts me from the Lord, so that I could work on that. He should be my main focus in life. Whats so wonderful is to have so many people who love me, pray for me, and support me. I really experienced that this past week while I ran into some disappointment. What's really amazing to me though is how God's been proving his faithfulness to me and that he is willing to fight for me and that he has one heck of a plan for my life.

While I talked to my mom today at lunch, she proceeded to tell me how proud she is of me and the path that I have chosen in my life. It almost made me tear up. I don't know if you have experienced this but when a parent tells you how proud they are of you, it gives you such a wonderful feeling inside. I have a big decision to make in the next 6 months and I'm looking for big direction from the Lord. It's scary and exciting.

In good news, my dad was laid off about 5 weeks ago but thankfully He got a job and God has been faithful.

I'm just really excited for the future!

Your best life now...

Sorry friends it has been long I know. I'm really bad at getting on here to blog but I am trying, I promise.

Well, I am doing really good and really happy. This year so far is surprisingly really good. A lot of wonderful things are happening in my life this year. This is a relief and huge sense of Joy for me since the past couple years have been rough to say the least.

But I really believe that God is having his way in my life and what's meant to be is definitely happening and I'm really ok with that. There are some rough things happening in my family but I have the joy of the Lord and know that he is in control so I'm not stressing about it.

I'm still working out and feeling great. My goal by July is to be down at least 40 lbs which is really exciting. I'm moving out of Oregon in just 7 short months and very excited and anxious but still wanting to enjoy life here. I'm working a lot as usual and saving money and that feels really good!

I've really been learning a lot in my walk with the Lord in the past couple weeks. A big thing God has really been helping me with is trusting in him and i'm really doing it. (I really did struggle with this in the past big time).

Life is really awesome right now. I can't expose all the things going on right now but all I can say is I'm really excited to see what the Lord does!

Eating Clean...

You would be surprised at how not easy this is sometimes. Working in a restaurant, this is probably the hardest thing for me. The working out is easy but the eating clean is hard. I'm still amazed at how many people think they don't need a lifestyle change to lose weight or get in shape but it truly is changing your habits.

I saw a picture of myself today and it was of the day I graduated high school and WOW! I was thin! And then I thought I was fat. Funny! I started a program today through called Turbo Jam. It's a lot of fun and easy to do. I am so determined to get into the best shape I can be in. Through this program, I am signed up online through a place called

It's really helpful to me because I have my own online coach and a team of people who constantly encourage you every day. You can also schedule your workouts which I'm finding is really helping keep myself accountable. I actually have the opportunity to meet my online coach next month when I'm in AZ. She lives there!

I find that working out is helping vent my stress and along with pursuing the Lord, it's making me a happier person! I was at Fred Meyer last night and ran into 2 people I haven't seen in a very long time. It was fun catching up and talking about life and what's in store for the future! I might have a roommate already that wants to move with me!

I recently made some more changes in my life. I call 2010 the year of intense change for me in every sense of the word. I'm cutting out all negativity possible out of my life! Call me Ms. Positive cause why waste our energy on negativity. We can learn something from everything!

and life goes on...

Life has been really stressful lately... with work, family, and friendships.

I'm working on getting some consistent quiet time in my life. I have such an odd and abnormal schedule but I'm really working on it. I've been on and off my healthy bandwagon but I'm getting back on track this weekend. I'm leaving for AZ next month and just need to be consistent with food and exercise

Recently a very long and important friendship of mine came to a sorta a HAULT if you will. I get really frustrated with some people who claim to love the Lord and they overdo it, they throw things in your face in an overstuffing, uncomfortable, judging way. I know all I can do is continue to serve my life for the Lord and let Jesus deal with everyone.

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with some of my best girl friends last night and had some awesome conversation with my girls! I really love my friends! They are always there for me and encourage me when I feel down in the dumps. What a blessing it is from God to have great friends like that.

I hate where I work but I'm only going to be around for another 8 months so I try to suck it up and just go in with a smile and do my job. I'm going to the mall tomorrow to see if I can pick up some extra hours and get some cards and debt paid off :)

It's been quite some time since I have wrote on here mainly because I was on vacation and wasn't on the computer at all, which was really kinda nice.

I was gone for a week in Houston, TX. It was the best week I have had in a really long time. I visited my best friend that lives there. We did so much and had the time of our lives. The weather was really nice, 70's and sunny and clear skies. Who would have known clear skies existed from living in Portland.

A big part of the culture out there is eating out. They must have at least 5-6 restaurants on every corner of every street on both sides of the road. It's a huge city. I had some amazing food :) We had a spa day, went to museums, got a tour of the city.. And People are soooo nice there! :)

My next trip will be to AZ in April and this is gonna to be a really hard decision for me. I feel so torn between two places and feeling tugged into too many directions and it stresses me out a little. In Houston, there is such a great vast amount of opportunity. So many jobs and good school programs. It's a place where 23 year olds are making 80,000 a year and owning their own house already. It's crazy but awesome. I fall in love with TX everytime I go there. I will be really pressing into what God wants me to do. This is a big decision for me.

Weighed in today! Lost 2 more pounds and 1.5 inch off each thigh and 1 inch off my waist so far in a week! Total of 6 pounds lost so far!

I don't even know how I got through today. I was so exhausted in every logical sense of the word. Yesterday I was tired too and drank 2 of those FIVE HOUR ENERGY shots. I was told they work good. My final synopsis is yes they sure WORK. I had the lemon lime flavor and it tasted so horrible. In fact it tasted just like alka seltzer. I used to hate when my mother would make me drink that stuff. ugh :( anyways... Note to self and everyone else who reads this, Don't drink those if you want to go to bed anytime soon. I couldn't fall asleep till eight this morning,eight this morning! which of course made me really really tired today and when I got home from work, made it even harder to work out...But I DID IT! Another 4 miles on the elyptical and my 2 other DVD workouts. Whoa! I don't know where my motivation comes from honestly! But keep it coming!

So I really need to go to bed. I have a doctors appt with the surgeon tomorrow and graduation tomorrow night. Yay!!!

Ill have more to write tomorrow. Before I go though, there's a verse in Romans that says Patience in affliction...

I don't even have much patience when i'm not in affliction. I'm really working on this. Not an easy task for me..

I dont have a creative title for today :)

Today was a really good day! Remember how I said I would have to exert all my energy last night to work out? Turns out I had more in me than I thought! I did 4 miles on the Elyptical! I always amaze myself but that's a good thing. Tonight I did another 4 miles and then my ab workout and my full Cardio workout! I'm feeling so good, it's super nice!

This Friday, I will be ending what's been a big chapter of my life this past year. It's been some tough, hard lessons I have learned the HARD way!

In recognition of that, I reflect on this: 2 Peter 1:12-21

12So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. 13I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body, 14because I know that I will soon put it aside, as our Lord Jesus Christ has made clear to me. 15And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things.

16We did not follow cleverly invented stories when we told you about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. 17For he received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."[a] 18We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain.

19And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. 21For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

I believe that every scripture means something unique and different for every individual especially in relation to our lives and what we have gone through. What we know and believe has a huge effect on our lives and how we conduct ourselves, especially for me How I will be a Godly woman. I'm pretty sure when I first read this is Missionette's I probably thought this was just some letter Peter had written to some churches.

However now,to me it means profoundly that I am battling to keep my mind focused on truth, rather than distracted, and ultimately ruined, by the secular world who are always trying to substitute their errors for truth.

Life is not easy by any means and I'm sure every Christian and non-Christian can attest to that. But honestly if life wasn't hard then we would be some shallow people without any character or substance to us.

It's so important to feed the building blocks of Christian character to the faith that God has given each of us. Virtue is SOOOO essential to a productive Christian life.

We live in a world where we constantly want new things, new innovations, bigger and better and it's important to constantly be going back to the basics of JESUS and reinforcing that in our lives so we can stay focused and strong.

I so many times find myself in need of renewal, of spiritual arousal where I have dozed off spiritually. I need to do again the things I know to do but where I have slacked off. I need to go back to the basics in my life. Growing up in church, I always felt like to be a person of influence you needed to be a leader in the church of some sort but What God has shown me in the past few months and so has my mentor--that you don't have to be in a position of leadership in the church. You can be that person of influence wherever you go, whatever you do.

I have become a much different person in the past eight months. I owe that all to the grace of God and to the amazing friends I have in my life who keep me accountable and love me constantly. I have learned to not stress like I used to, how to facilitate my feelings on life and everything that includes. It's amazing how much God can change our lives if we are just willing. When your parent's look at you and tell you how very proud they are of you and where your going in life, it's an incredible feeling. When people see the change in you.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit you way to the Lord; trust Him and He will do this. He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. ~Psalm 37:4-6

I am soooo exhausted today!

Yesterday I got up early and met my friends for Brunch at Salty's on the Columbia River. We had a beautiful view from our table! The food was amazing and so was the company. And I was very good about what I ate, I didn't want to fall off my new healthy wagon.

In Football news, I was very HAPPY to see the SAINTS win! :)

This morning when I weighed in, I for sure thought I would be a bit heavier. Mainly because Sundays are the one day I don't work out. But I was lighter :)

I had a short shift at work tonight. It's gonna take all my energy to work out and then I'm going to bed!

Good night all!

EVEN ANGELS......

It cannot get better if it doesn't hurt. A statement I believe to be so true throughout life in any aspect.

Watch this video. I hope it moves you as it moved me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh8afQK8D5k

I’m driving in circles, shoulda bought that new phone
I cant find my way to, all the places I call home
I’m (on my own)
I’m at the station pumping gas, yeah I’m taking out the trash
I’m (all alone)
And who’s there? Who’s there?


Since you been gone, I learned how to move on
How to be myself, I don’t need nobody so
I’m doing so good, I forgot that I could
Live like this, woohh


First step, take a deep breath
You don’t need a reason why
You can, you can take, take time
You can, you can walk, run, dive
Close call, you think you might fall
But all you gotta do is try
Even angels, even angels learn… to fly

Coming home and it’s late night, shoulda left the lights on
I can’t help but imagine, all the things that could go wrong
I’m (on my own)
I’m in the kitchen on the chair, reaching for the top shelf
I’m (all alone)
And I’m ok, I’m alright

Everyday I’m stronger, cant get better, if it, if it don’t hurt
Why? Oh I! Oh I!
See me in my next life
Cause heartbreak’s a teacher, and I’ll love, I’ll love a little bit deeper
Why? Oh I! Oh I!
Yeah

First step, take a deep breath
You don’t need a reason why
You can, you can take, take time
You can, you can walk, run, dive
Close call, you think you might fall
But all you gotta do is try
Even angels, even angels learn…to FLY!!!!!!
FLY!!!!!! FLY!!!!!! FLY!!!!!!

Close call, you think you might fall
But all you gotta do is try
Even angels, even angels learn how to fly

Im big on song lyrics for some reason. I love music and it helps me facilitate my feelings. Its been a rough couple days in my life. Not due to any specific event. Lately for the past couple days I have felt very quiet inside, not much to say. I believe it is the Lord's way of talking to me and quieting my spirit so that he can speak to me.

I have a big transition in my life that will happen this November. I've been so excited about it that the hours feel like days and the days feel like months and so on. Today, talking to a sweet woman that's a great friend to me told me to live in the moment, enjoy this time in my life before it's gone. I realized that I wasn't really doing this. Its important to make big goals and dreams for ourselves but to also have small ones so that we feel like we are accomplishing things and moving forward.

So tonight... My room mate and I met for sushi and then headed over to Cheesecake factory for some delicious cheesecake that was so decadent that I won't even describe it to you because it will just tempt me to want more. Clearly afterwards, my body was hating me and it wasn't a wise idea. But you only live once right? Gotta indulge sometimes and Im an emotional eater and since I was feeling sad, it seemed like a good idea at the time. So my room mate and I decided that was a bad idea after we got home and our stomachs hurt soooo bad. We laid in bed and watched My Sister's Keeper! Oh my, that is by far the saddest movie I have ever seen! If I didn't get enough crying out in the last 2 days, I definitely got even more out tonight. But the movie sure makes you appreciate life and want to make it great and be proactive and healthy. So... I got really motivated and got my HIP HOP ABS DVD's out and did the AB SCULPT two times! Two times! Oh my! And if that wasn't enough, I then did the HIPS BUNS AND THIGHS one too! Whoa! My body will feel it tomorrow I'm sure. But I feel really good! Especially after having that cheesecake! oy!

I recently learned of a new protein shake which is a great thing to drink in the morning when I don't have time and definitely important to have after you work out so your muscles can heal and re cooperate. I order it off of www.allstarhealth.com and they have so many different kinds. I order the ISO PURE-ZERO CARB one. To find a zero carb protein shake is amazing! And the prices are amazing! You can get a 3 lb jar for $35.00 when they retail out for $50-85. That's a steal of a deal!

One of my favorite things to eat in the morning for breakfast though is to toast whole grain english muffins from Trader Joes. I don't put butter or anything on them. I Put 2 poached eggs on top and have some yogurt with granola in it. It's super yummy :)

I feel so much better about myself now that I'm being healthy. When I was doing my videos tonight and my room mate was doing them with me she told me I danced like a black person which I suppose I will take as a compliment because that means I have coordination! I'll take it! :)

These are some small goals that I have to get in shape and hopefully some day as a side hobby to help others get in shape as well! If I can do it, then so can anyone else!

When I start school again after my big move in November, I will be going for Nursing. It's interesting that nurses are in such high demand, however it's really hard to get into nursing programs. I used to think that I wasn't smart enough or I couldn't do it but I'm believing God will open the doors for me. I've never really been too interested in school because my TRUE hearts desire is to be a wife and a mom But I still need to go to school and trust in God's plan.

My mentor today told me she was sooo proud of me for all that I have overcome and that meant ALOT to me. Sometimes when your making so many changes in your life, you feel like sometimes your just stuck in one place not going anywhere. Its comforting to know your a person of positive influence.

Im headed to TX on the 15th and am EXCITED to get out of town and catch some warmer weather! I will post Pics when I get back!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTI!!!!

:)

My life is crazy!

Oh what a weekend! And Monday is over already!

Well Work this week is interesting. One of the managers took a week off to re cooperate herself since She been really depressed lately. And... much to my surprise, our owner asked me to be the manager for a week. I was pretty flattered. It's kinda of a nice change of pace after you have been waiting tables for so long to just be a manager but the money isn't as good. But I'm glad to know I can help out. I have managed other restaurants and its not too bad of a job.

Ive been working out and feeling great and better every day. I love seeing results. Its addicting :)

I leave for TX on the 15th and am excited to check things out in TX and spend time with some good friends of mine....

I kinda like that time is flying. Others might not agree! My parents came in to see me at work tonight and eat dinner. It's kinda sad when your so busy in life that they have to come see you at work :) It was nice to see them and tell them all about what good things are happening in my life. :) They are proud of me and that's a good feeling.

My next trip is in April to AZ which I am so stoked about. And then the Fourth Of July I actually get to do something this year! YAY!! What a treat!

I think this week will be good! Just super busy!!!

I really need to blog more. seriously. I need to find time for it.

February is going to be a good month I think. I feel like everything God changed in my life and has been teaching me, is kinda be putting to the test lately and so far so good. Im living for Jesus, loving Jesus, hanging out with Jesus. :) One more book left and then on to read Anonymous :)

New Changes....

Today was a really good day...

Watched Emersyn and had a fun sushi date tonight with Patti!

I worked out tonight. Much of my desire is wanting to be healthier and much inspiration from Patti who is the ultimate shredder these days! I'm looking forward to seeing results and feeling better about myself.

So here's to a new body I hope! Summer time Here I come! :)

I had a pretty awesome night..

I had some fun late night bonding time with my room mate which are some of the best times ever! We get along so well and love living with each other. I love talking to her because we are both waitresses and she completely understands how I feel.

Sometimes I feel bi polar at work. One minute I love people and the next minute I can't stand people. It's truly incredible how mean people can be and you kinda just have to endure through it. On my days off I truly dont do much but detox myself so I can go handle another 5 days of waitressing. I make good money so I suppose it's why I put it up with it..

Anywho.... We are working out alot and eating healthy which is nice for it to be a household thing :)

My life has improved so much in the past 8 months, I am so glad! I'm so happy with life and where it's going this year. I have some exciting things coming up. Im continually thanking Jesus for a new life. It's so awesome. I'm constantly telling people that I am really blessed and I hope it doesn't get old because it's the truth. When you know where I have come from, you would agree.

I have said this a few times and ill say it again. Wednesdays are my favorite days because I get to spend them with a sweet little girl and whether or not she is naughty I love her. It reminds me how much I will love being a mother some day! :-) Oh baby fever! Leave me alone lol!

I feel so good after I work out. I don't like the pain but I know I will feel so much better about myself once I have the results I want. Hard work pays off!

This past week I have really been trusting in the Lord and I have felt his Love for me. What a feeling :)

I want to be in love with my best friend
I want to have lazy days, staying home, watching movies, cuddled up on the couch with the love of my life

I want to lay by the pool and relax with him
I want to come home and tell him how much I love him
I want to flutter with feelings of how blessed I am to have him in my life
I want to have a family with him
I want to sit there and laugh at nothing

This is whats on my heart today...

Baby and wife fever? Speed up the future please...

Well I seriously must have wife and baby fever this week! It must be all I think about lately! I have more motivation and desire to see that happen in my life than go to school. lol. But... I am praying that I would be content in where my life is at now and continue to trust in the Lord. I know he knows the desires of my heart and has a plan.

I have some really big decisions coming up and Im not very scared or anxious about them. I am confident I will make the right decision and that the Lord will guide me and give me peace.

Im really excited for a trip I have to Texas next month for a week to check out living arrangements and schools, etc. This is one of my top choices to move out of Oregon. The other is AZ. Please keep this in your prayers.

For those of you who know what I went through this summer, I had to attend an AA meeting last night with another girl as part of our treatment. It was the most akward and uncomfortable experience ever. All the guys wouldn't stop staring at us and it was so completely akward and you can visibly see that these people are cracked out still so to speak, for a lack of better terms. If you want to have a hate for sin then go to one of these meetings. It made me sick to my stomach to see this side of the world and how sickening it is.

Thank you Jesus that you have changed my life and are still changing me. Thank you that Im not the same person I was 7 months ago.

Today was an interesting day for me. I feel so blessed really to have amazing people in my life who love me and are always there for me. I really love to know that God is working in my life and to know that God is using me in other people's lives. It's such a blessing when you find out that you are.

I know that 2010 is going to be a much better year for me and I'm believe God for that. I'm getting closer and closer to paying off debt which is an amazing feeling friends. I feel so inspired to go for bigger and better things this year. One thing Im going to be starting soon is a fitness program called Insanity! and Yes just like the name its an insanely hard 60 day workout program but I really want to do this for myself and be healthy. Im going back to school in the spring hopefully and the degree Im going for is hard but I know that through Jesus, I can do it.

Im looking at moving out of Oregon at the end of this year which is a big change and big decision but I know God will lead me in the right direction.

Today one of my really good friends was in town for his grandpa funeral and he asked me to attend with him. I did and of course it was a difficult day for his family. It was nice hanging out with him and his family. I took him to the airport today and it was really super hard. I honestly am probably one of the most sensitive people you might ever meet. Goodbyes are super hard for me. If I had my way I would have all the people I love and care for around me all the time but that's being a bit selfish.

I finally got a brand new LCD TV for my house today and a coffee table and dining room set! I have worked super hard for all this and to finally see it all in place is amazing! Such a great feeling!

Today at the reception for the funeral, it was kinda bittersweet looking at all the young couples married with adorable children! My hearts desire is to be a wife and a mother. I had to say a little prayer because I know that the Lord is preparing me for that when the time is right. I'm focusing on JESUS JESUS JESUS!

Sorry about all my random thoughts today

A new life.....

Among many or maybe too many books I'm reading at the moment, one of my favorites is by Stormie Omartian--called Praying God's Will for your life. It's an incredible inspiring book that encourages me to daily seek God's will for my life. It's not about finding the right person to marry or finding the perfect career. It's about a way of life and an attitude that is God's will for everyone who knows and loves him.

Today I was reading about praying to move on with the Lord. I was thinking about what this meant for me. For me it's a big thing. Starting a new year and a new life, I am praying to move on with the Lord. There are 5 REALLY important key things that are highlighted and I believe really important to practice in order to move on with the Lord.

1. The word of God
2. Prayer
3 Praise
4.Confession
5. Ongoing forgiveness

They seem simple but not always easy. Stormie mentions that if we neglect any one of these, we end of with cracks in our foundation. And with a cracked foundation we never end up where we are supposed to be and never fully know God's will. Some people do get by. But.... I don't want to just get by.

These are more of my goals to be consistent in being in the word, praying, praising Jesus, Confessing my sins, and asking for forgiveness. Its incredible the illustrations the Lord gives us

I watch a sweet little girl who growing up way too fast! Today as i'm typing this she sits right next to me on the couch. when I put my drink on the table, she places her sippy cup right next to my glass. She loves to be next to me and hang out with me and play. I think Jesus is the same way. He wants to be right next to us, hanging out with us. I need to make more time for that with the Lord and allow him to be next to me. Im working on fully surrendering some tough things to the Lord. I need to allow him to turn my tables.

Be the kind of woman that when she wakes up and her feet hit the floor, the devil says--Oh crap, she's up!