This is not going to be easy....

What do I want? This is a question that filled my mind for the past three years as I floated through life. It was a question that was brought up again at a book club I attended the other night. We are going through a book called Strong Women, Soft Hearts. The chapter we discussed was all about desires and what do we want really?

It's so easy for me to respond with certain what would be deemed as BIG events in my life such as graduating college, finding a good job, Getting married, having children. But I believe that God has called us to really look inside ourselves and get away from those kind of answers.

What I really do want is to be used by God in miraculous ways, whether they be big or small. I want to be that woman of God that's willing to follow Jesus wherever he may lead me, to be used wherever he wants to use me. I've spent too much time being selfish and saying ok, LORD-Send someone else. God called people in the bible to follow him and they did. They left everything they had. Why should we be worried to leave all our materialistic belongings? These are all desires I have. I'm not perfect but I am working towards these.

In the past year I have made a lot of decisions in my life, transitions, changes. I wish I could say it's been easy but it hasn't but I believe if it were easy then I would be one stagnant shallow person so I am grateful in my heart that it hasn't been easy. God has reminded me as of recent that It's not getting any easier. He making sure that my heart is genuine about how I want to live my life. I've had a week full of being attacked by the devil no doubt. Some days I have let it get the best of me but I am still growing and looking to Jesus because I know that I know that I know if the worst was to happen, I'd still have Jesus and He promises to take care of me.

In my bible study today, it stated a verse-
Exodus 14:14-- "The LORD will fight for you; you need to only be still."
I love how God correlates what we are going through in life with our current study. The verse above is something I share with a lot of people when I talk about my past because God did fight for me, so why not fight to be with him as well.

Back to our book club discussion: We discussed misplaced passions. Oh do I have a few of those. You bet! One of mine was facebook. I get on there and end up being on there for hours when I could be investing in much better things so I have made a goal to myself to not go on there for a week starting tomorrow. It's just a waste of hours of my time in the end. Another is I need to be more consistent in working out, taking care of myself. I love serving people and taking care of them, that I make myself like a last priority. SO I am working on that this next week too. One final 3rd misplaced passion was a tough one for me. One I really felt through prayer that God really brought to my attention. I guess you could call it friends. I am surrounded by a great community of friends, don't get me wrong. I spend a lot of time with girls from church and I believe that's a great thing. However, I really felt the Lord speaking to me that I was spending more time hanging out with Christian friends than I was with him. It was like I was feeling good about hanging out with all of them so much that I kinda put my time with the Lord on the backburner and that's definitely an issue. Yes, Christian fellowship is from the Lord and he loves it but God the only one that's gonna heal me, use me for his glory, help me to grow, etc. Im making a recovery plan as we speak and excited to go back to book club next time and share with the girls the progress I have made.

Sometimes God kinda quiets us and says just be still and spend time with me and that was what today was for me. I believe he does this for a reason and it always has a positive outcome.

I really want to be used in great ways by the Lord. We are here to glorify him and him alone. I really strive for living a life that honors the Lord. For the first time in a few years, I actually mean that. I know there are great things ahead but I know it will take work like anything in life. It will not be easy but I know that he will finish in me what he has started.