Brokeness

Wow. Last night was really intense. We had a bonfire/worship night a girls house in the young adults group. I had a hard couple weeks and to be brutally honest didn't really feel like going last night but knew that was a sign I needed to go. I showed u and made conversation with people and it started out good. Although I have to admit, I was one conversation away from crying.

There I was sitting in this circle, listening to the worship music be played and listening to the voices singing along, sitting next to one of my best friends. I sang a long and stared at the page of words. Amazing Grace was being sung and I just started to cry. I asked my friend to please pray with me and I cried even more. I felt like God opened up his floodgates upon me.

A prayer I have recently been praying a lot was that God would give me distaste for the things he hates and that he would please break me. I felt discouraged lately because I didn't feel like he was breaking me but last night, oh I felt brokeness.

I looked across the circle to my youth pastor's wife and my mentor. I signaled for them to come talk with me. My youth pastors wife came first and she took me into a room. I was uncontrollably sobbing and sobbing. I asked her to please just pray for me. I felt so broken and couldn't control my emotions. It was apparent God was ministering to me. She held me so tight and prayed for me and through that I felt so blessed, I felt like through her God was wrapping his arms around me. I was speechless during prayer, I could barely talk. I could feel God inside my bones. All I could do is cry out to Jesus, I want more of you, more of you Jesus.

She told me how some people are just craving to be broken like that and consider it a blessing, this is a good thing. Afterall, this is what I had been praying for. My Mentor came in next. I sobbed to her too. I'm telling you, the presence of God was so heavy on me. I told her my feelings of feeling like I'm not moving forward and wanting to feel good enough. She shared with me how She feels I'm being attacked my depression and she was right on. Depression is what I felt for the past 2 weeks. She teaches me so much, she is such a blessing. As she prayed with me and held me tight too, she teared up a little and I don't know why but it's so amazing to me when God speaks through your mentor to you, when she can cry with you.

So today, I am basking in my brokeness. Grateful that I can just cry in the presence of God. I want more and more of him everyday. I know God is wanting to heal me and I have to allow him to do that. My youth pastor said something last night along the lines of make Jesus your everything and all the rest will fall into place. The little things we stress about will work out, but make Jesus your everything.

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.