To accomplish our call, we must be humbled far more than exalted, though God certainly lifts up his faithful servant in due time. Urgency replaces dignity and oh how the tears fall like rain. Sometimes you just cant hold yourself together a second longer. You've stayed strong to be everybody's rock through a difficult situation. You couldn't afford to lose your head because too much was at stake. Amazingly, you held it together through the most threatening phase, wondering all along what alien person with composure had overtaken your body. Then just about the time the first ounce of pressure came off and you imagined feeling relief, here it comes: THE UGLY CRY. You can't stop it. You can't hide it. You can't excuse it. It's been storing up inside of you for months and the pressure cooker begins to blow. The face contorts, the chest heaves, the nose snorts, and the flood falls. (Esther Study).

Have you ever had an ugly cry she asks? I reply yes. My ugly cry so to speak is as real as it was on June 13, 2009. What started as a very innocent night though it seemed turned out to be a night that would forever change my life. It's incredible what God will allow us to go through to get our attention. I do believe very much that God has given me a very real and incredible story to tell that tells you about how loving, graceful, and merciful he is to his children. On June 13, 2009 I went out with some old co-workers. We stopped at a bar to have a couple drinks. Minutes later before I even had time to have two drinks, I had been left at a bar, drugged with a date rape drug, and stuck in a room with a bartender who wanted nothing but to have his way with me. In such a real moment that I believe the Lord gave me in a span of being drugged and not having much realness of what was going on around me, I was able to get away. I got in my car and drove away and stopped on the side of the road to calm myself down. Before I knew it, the cops were at my car door and arrested me for a DUII. My ugly cry began. Fear, pain, embarassment, hurt, how could this happen to me and so many more feelings surrounded me.

I cried for months, crying myself to sleep. As the days went on and the drug was out of my system, I started to remember everything. Talk about whoa! As I type right now and share my story with you, I am forever blown away by God's grace and love towards me. So many worse things could have taken place that night but God protected me, saved me from a life of destruction.

I'll never forget one Sunday morning I went to church. It was in August of 2009. It was the first Sunday I had been back in church in months. Talk about how the Lord ordained this morning for me. My pastor Linda Noah was preaching and the message was named, "what to do when you have messed up." WHOA! I remember walking into church with my dad and instantly feeling uncomfortable in the Lord's house. I sat there through worship and there was an altar call for people to come down for prayer. I was uncontrollably sobbing an ugly cry and I asked my Dad to go down with me. We walked down and came to a prayer leader I have known for many years. He asked what he could pray for but I was crying so hard that I couldn't even talk and he looked straight at me and said OK. Whoa God, I thought. I didn't even say anything and he knew. I then told him later that I didn't know what to say other than I need JESUS in my life so MUCH!!! After this ordained meeting, I was feeling very convicted. I knew I needed to make changes in my life. That morning, listening to the message, God was talking to me in a very real way. For the past few years, I lived my life on the fence for so long. God said to me that morning: Roxanne, you better make a decision. It's either serve and live your life for me or serve the world. If you don't make a decision soon, you will lose you life. So I made a decision to Serve Jesus whole heartedly which brings us to now. It's amazing when Jesus brings you to your knees.

You see, I was walking in the ditch on a very dark scary road. Sometimes it's not God's will for things to happen to us but we make decisions and God allows us to go through things for such a time as this. I was literally dying inside while all this was happening in my life. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I believe this is an incredible story that Glorifies God. If you knew me three months ago and you knew me now, you would be as shocked as my family and friends are. I don't boast myself. It's just an ever present example of how powerful the presence of God in your life can be and how it can change you. God has been breaking me down and replacing those things with him which by all means is not an easy process to go through but I believe God has something so great for me and this is all part of his incredible plan. I was so disconnected at one point and the realization is that disconnected people can never be whole. Beth said it great in the study today when she said that vulnerable and painful thought it may be, a community of people whose lives are tied together by the tender strings of the heart is life the way God meant it to be lived.

My life is not perfect and I am certainly not perfect. But I am genuinely pursuing the Lord on a daily basis. I strive to hear those words, Well done good and faithful servant. A life without Jesus is just horrible and I speak from experience. I wish I could convey to everyone the amazing Love that Jesus has for us. I pray that my story will touch people's lives. I pray that I continue to grow in the Lord, trust in the Lord, and live a life that will glorify him. Lukewarmness is not enough. God asks so much more of us. God wants to hang out with us everyday. EVERYDAY! Lets not get so wrapped up in the small details of everyday life that we forget why we are here.

Be encouraged Friends!

He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.
Deuteronomy 10:21